MLB Power Rankings With a Twist ~ sports

As a kid, I had two major loves; baseball and comic book villains. The heroes were always one- dimensional and had more flash than substance (like the NFL), but the villains were deep and took a lot more time to grow attached to (like MLB). I wanted to write an MLB power ranking, but those are a dime a dozen. You, my dear readers, deserve a better class of writer. So join me, villainous friends, as I give you all 30 baseball teams and the fiends who would wear their caps proudly-

1. Cincinnati Reds (83-55)/ The Juggernaut

In the heartland, a seemingly unstoppable, red-clad being is in the middle of a rampage. Amid broken beer barrels, a huge fist nearly takes the head offof a man wearing an eye patch. Small blue bears and red birds flee before this powerful monster.

2. Washington Nationals (84-52)/ Bane

"Ahhh, you thinking pitching is your ally." A bat is broken and thrown into a discarded pile of tomahawks. Bane Strasburg puts his boot on the MLB logo's neck when Talia Al Rizzo puts his hand on the giant's shoulder. "That's enough, you've reached your punching limit tonight..."

3. Texas Rangers (81-55)/ Magneto

"Tell me Charles, have you ever been so close to victory that you can taste it? Have you ever been so certain you've won only to have glory snatched away at the last moment? I get San Francisco being mad; I mean, I did kind of destroy the Golden Gate Bridge. But for the life of me, I don't know what I did to St. Louis."

4. New York Yankees (77-59)/ Kingpin

"I know I'm getting up there in age, but I still rule this city, dammit! I have a great new plan: I'll tell everyone I'm going to cut back on my spending, lure them into a false sense of security, then -BAM- I'll buy the AL Central! Now stop making jokes about how I look like a skinny Sabathia and tell the Dodgers to enjoy their shopping spree."

5. San Francisco Giants (77-60)/ Two-Face

"What Melky did was completely wrong. He should give up his All Star Game MVP..."

*Flips Coin

"He was trying to help the team, and he is going to win the batting title..."

*Flips Coin

"Lincecum is terrible, he needs to cut his hair and move to the bullpen..."

*Flips Coin

"But the kid's got two Cy Young's, and the 2010 playoffs..."

*Flips Coin

"Beat LA"

*Flips Coin

"BEAT LA"

6. Atlanta Braves (77-60)/ Doctor Doom

With the Fantastic Four of the Phillies rotation dead and defeated, Dr Doom and his tomahawk bots set the nation's capital in their sights. There is no doubt in his mind that he can chip away at his foes and regain his rightful place as the most feared being in the east.

7. Baltimore Orioles (76-60)/ Venom

All those years waiting and plotting his return has led Venom not to be satisfied with mere victory, but a desire to see his enemies suffer. Venom strikes from the shadows and does not allow his prey to escape once he has them in his grip. He's fast, he's strong, and he will not go away without a fight.

8. St. Louis Cardinals (74-63)/ Ra's Al Ghul

When future Hall-of-Famers Tony LaRussa and Albert Pujols departed, many thought the Cards were dead. A rookie mistake, as all they needed was a dip in the lazarus pit to be able to replace the unreplacable. If you doubt the power of the lazarus pit, just ask yourself -- what other reason can there be for Carlos Beltran staying healthy...?

9. Chicago White Sox (74-62)/ The Joker

"Do I look like a guy with a plan? Let my manager and ace pitcher leave to Miami, make no real upgrades in the lineup, and instead decide to rely on Adam Dunn - who hit .159 - and Alex Rios - who hit 13 homers - to be main-stays in the lineup. Watch the other criminals make plans with Prince Fielder and Albert Pujols, then take those plans and turn them on themselves by having a better record than both. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

10. Oakland A's (76-60)/ Ozymandias

"Why didn't Brad Pitt play me in the Watchmen movie? What I'll do is trade away the A's best players, and let the best free agents walk away. I'll start rookies and washed up rejects. At first the team will stink. We will only have one all star -a relief pitcher- and then when all hope seems lost, we will win enough games to make the playoffs and finally be able to move to San Jose. The best part is, you can't stop me -- this all happened 48 games ago..."

11. Tampa Bay Rays (75-62)/ The Riddler

"Riddle me this! How do you make your move in the AL East?" Answer: With constant infield shifts.

12. Los Angeles Dodgers (73-65)/ Galactus

Galactus: devourer of bad contracts.

13. Los Angeles Angels (74-63)/ General Zod

"ALL KNEEL BEFORE GENERAL TROUT!"

14. Detroit Tigers (73-63)/ Doomsday

The two most deadly things in the universe are Doomsday and Verlander.

15. Pittsburgh Pirates (72-64)/ The Lizard

The Pirates want to be good so badly. Will they be held back by the demons of losing, whom they all know could jump out at any time?

16. Milwaukee Brewers (67-69)/ Kraven the Hunter

Kraven used a magic potion to make himself stronger and faster. Ryan Braun also used something to make himself stronger and faster.

17. Seattle Mariners (67-71)/ Scarecrow

Other teams are afraid of King Felix, but the Mariners' hitters are more afraid of home plate.

18. Philadelphia Phillies (66-71)/ Red Skull

Even the best pre-season plans can be derailed by a group wearing red, white, and blue.

19. Arizona Diamondbacks (68-72)/ Bizzaro

When they were playing well, they wanted to trade their best player; when things went badly, they refused to move anyone.

20. New York Mets (65-72)/ The Penguin

They used stolen money to fund their group, but they still don't have the bats...

21. San Diego Padres (64-75)/ Mr. Freeze

If they can't make the playoffs, then all the other good teams must feel their pain by joining them in a cold winter of no postseason.

22. Kansas City Royals (61-75)/ Harley Quinn

When will they stop being a joke?

23. Toronto Blue Jays (61-75)/ Metallo

Metallo's body was destroyed and his brain put in a robot. The Blue Jays are wondering how he stayed so healthy.

24. Boston Red Sox (63-75)/ Lex Luthor

They spent all the money in the world, but couldn't win against their more powerful foes. Their new plan is to pout.

25. Miami Marlins (60-77)/ Mysterio

Spiderman likes to call him Fishbowl Head, but I think comparing him to the Marlins is a little harsh. After all, he's never done anything as evil as their owners.

26. Minnesota Twins (60-77)/ Sabretooth

Despite being able to attack non-stop, neither the Twins nor Sabretooth seem to know how to stop anyone else from beating them.

27. Colorado Rockies (56-79)/ Doctor Octopus